Marriage Stereotypes and the ‘Catches’ we make!

I seem to be doing this way too often. Linking other people's post, and expostulating on it. Why don't I just comment there or shut up?
Probably because I’m a journalist, so when I run out of ideas, I rehash other people’s cues.

Anyways, this is to MG's post -- I was splitting up after reading this. How inane is that dry cleaner lady? Silly woman.
About 9-10 years ago, in a situation like that, I would have gotten terribly upset. But now I just find it ridiculously funny.
Why do typecast people in a relationship?

When my relationship with R took a serious turn and we decided to get married (or rather our families decided for us), a friend (yep, a friend hmmpph!) snidely commented to me, "quite a catch, huh?"

I was STUNNED. What shit was that?

We not only had similar educational and professional backgrounds, I in fact had a few extra diplomas thrown in.
She hardly knew R to decide he was a catch in any other way, unless she thought her dumpy, bespectacled friend was marrying a not-so dumpy and un-bespectacled man?

And even if I had been illiterate with no future prospects and looked like the backside of an ass, and he was the heir to the Gates’ fortune and looked like Clooney, how the hell can anyone use that phrase ‘a catch’.

Is marriage a charity? If two people decide to wed, they must have their reasons. Even if it’s an arranged marriage. There is no question of one being a catch over another.

Probably because I am far more secure in my relationship, and am older and wiser (!) I can laugh this off…

Like this conversation between Acquaintance 1 & 2, which a ‘pal’ reported to me not only verbatim, but with her share of insights.

Acq1 (who at that point had met R & me for all of 90mts, half of which was with a group of people): V & R are very different.
Acq 2 (who knows me professionally and has only had a glimpse of R): Oh, yes. They are. He is very nice.
Acq 1: Absolutely. So different. He is very sweet.
Pal to me: How can they jump to conclusions, they hardly know you.

ME to R, my sounding board: What the eff! Whether they jumped to conclusions or not, Pal was sure they did… And what difference does it make to me to get opinions of people I don’t know or care for? Why was this even reported to me?

That’s the whole problem with expectations, marriages or any relationships. The two parties are placed on a balance with their plusses and minuses.

Absolutely no one outside of the two would know the truth of the relationship or the reasons why it works (or doesn’t). So why talk about catches and one being too good for the other?

So whether MG looks or really is romantic, or not, it was really not that stupid dry cleaner’s business. It’s for MG and her husband to know and find out!

marrying well is an accomplishment?

Quite a few of my school and college friends are accomplished women -- there are physicians, musicians, models, actors, dancers, financial controllers, some even climbing the corporate ladder in various organisations in India and abroad.
Yet, references to the batch are not in terms of these achievers. Often the reference is about someone who married well or married a celebrity!
I wonder -- is that what defines us most? Our marital status?

we fight, but we're fine!

After my previous post a friend messaged me asking if it was alright to be so honest about R and my relationship with him. When I asked him, he joked: “You have my permission to be so.”
A couple of others asked me if he had read it, and what was his reaction.
I didn’t realise that there was an issue to begin with – as I saw it, I was paying him a huge compliment. I’d rather share my life with my best friend, than someone who sucks at being a friend, but makes all the right romantic moves as a boyfriend/husband.
Last year when we went to India for our annual vacation, I was advised by at least 4 different people on how I should work on the marriage for the sake of the child. I was taken aback – now, where did that come from.
Apparently, lil Ms O gave graphic and spiced up accounts of every argument and fight her parents had!
We are two highly opinionated and very independent beings – so we disagree. Viciously. But big deal, how many marriages are perfect and trouble free?
Yes, yes – I’ve heard of these weirdos too – who do everything in sync, never argue, always put family harmony over self. They are either cheating on each other; or are compensating for a bad sex life; or had friend-less childhoods; or are just plain bloody boring.
It can’t just be a ‘Great Marriage’!
So to all those who are worried – don’t be. We fight like street dogs… but we survive the wounds and are stronger for it.

should i really call dr phil?

because my daughter thinks i should?
she sees this totally dysfunctional couple being advised by the bald and boring dr phil, and quips: "You and appa should talk to him. You fight a lot."
And then adds, for good measure: "I find him interesting. He gets into my head."
scary, scary, scary... does she really see us in those so-over-the-top-dysfunctional couples??

ps: did i mention that she is just 6!

which is worse

you have so many secrets that you husband knows none of your passwords...
or
you have no secrets and your husband has free access to all your mails!
not sure which is worse, but do know which is sadder.

1999

I've been wondering if one phase of your life or one year is ever more important than the rest... isn't it like saying, the rest of my life was not so great...
anyways, dwelling on that, realised that there just maybe phases in your life, where a lot of things seem to happen. For me it was 1999. More specifically, my 25th year.
It was a year full of firsts or mosts or news... and in no particular order, but what memory dictates
1. i covered an election campaign in the districts, trailed Amma
2. i travelled to the North East again
3. i got married
4. i stayed away from my home (parents') for the first time, when I went to the Film Inst in Pune for a month.
5. i left Madras and moved to Doha
6. i lost my virginity (am a good indian girl and waited to get married)
7. i went abroad for the first time
8. got my passport
9. switched tracks in my career and worked on the desk at GT
10. for the first time, truly hated my job and office
11. Touched 75kgs for the first time
12. Cooked a full meal for the first time ever
13. Set my first home
14. Learned that being sexy was not about looks but attitude
15. realised that marriage is a lot of hardwork!
16. India lost the world cup
17. almost had a ******* (censored), but better sense prevailed
18. for the first, only and last time was invited to an orgy at the film inst hostel...
19. almost tried pot but chickened out...
20. for the first time (and last) ever, ran from an eve teaser instead of standing and fighting because i was in a strange country, and didn't know the language. still ashamed of the coward i was... and for not kicking him in his balls.

7 years and done?

Last night, at work, I had some down time. I sat thinking about the couples I know and know of. Family, friends, strangers...
And what struck me was that 2 good people did not necessarily make a good marriage. 'Being a good person' is not the criteria for a good marriage. If you can ignore, accept and accommodate, then that is far better than all the goodness in the world, for marital purposes at least.
How many times have we asked "how does her/his husband/wife put up with her/him", and then have been surprised to find that they don't get along that bad at all?
I guess that's were the ignoring and accepting and accommodating comes in... not any one, but all three.
That's a tough act -- you have to be either highly 'stupid/dumb' or half a step away from sainthood to do that.
Then again, it begs this questions. What is a good marriage? Where the children are happy/well-rounded? Where the spouses are equal? Where the husband is a good provider? Where the wife is an awesome home maker? Where they have orgasmic sex every day? Where there are no expectations? Or where all expectations are met?
I am beginning to endorse that German politician who says by law marriages should be a 7-year contract, extendable by mutual consent.
An interesting thought, and one that probably would do a whole load of good.
Not because we can get done with it and move on.
But because, we will make the best of the time together, when we know it could be for just 7 years -- when we know that we can't wait too long to say 'I am sorry', 'Let's try', 'I love you', 'Let's have a quickie' or 'Let's send the kids away for a day for a romp'.
We know we have only 7 years, so we will hopefully be less rude and more accommodating.
Of course, can't rule out being total jerks either, because we know after 7 years we would be free -- but such relationships are not meant to be in the first place!