People

It was only after I moved away from home, family and madras, did I get a clear perspective of what people were really like.

After living all my life in one particular kind of environment and routine, I had no real ‘separation’ to see things for what they were.

You realise whom you thought of as overbearing was just a caring sister.

The person who questioned your decisions and criticised your actions was only being a true friend.

The colleague who spent every night at your place was probably just sponging off you…

Put some distance. That's when you get a clear filter.

That’s when you learn to separate the chaff from the grain.

Like the management joke that goes – not everyone who shits on you is your enemy, not everyone who pulls you out of shit is your friend…

It’s merely a myth that the more time you spend with a person, the better you know him/her. You need distance to gauge a person.

After being ensconced in a routine of sorts over the last 5 years, I got my distance and my space, when I took a break for my second pregnancy.

So you move away, and see yourself and the people around you from a telescopic distance. And their character just pops up. Like pieces of a puzzle things just fall in place.

The insecurity behind a person’s martyr act;

the defensiveness behind a person’s long drawn explanations;

the rabble-rousing behind the uncalled for confidences;

the guilt behind a person’s exaggerated laugh;

and also the trustworthiness behind a person’s brutal honesty;

straightforwardness behind their indifference;

the care behind the non-stop calls;

the warmth behind the silence…

You get to see people for what they are when you remove yourself from the environment.

Just as distance is supposed to make the heart grow fonder, it also helps in shaking yourself out of false intimacies.

But that doesn't mean you won't repeat the mistakes, trust blindly and get taken for a ride. It just means that you fall a little less harder the next time around.

Antenatal hormones can really bring out the philosopher in you.

how heavy is your life?

what's the deal with people who have so many dislikes, so many hang ups, so many biases... how do they unwind or just get on with life.

these are well educated people i am talking about -- who can't seem to tolerate people or opinions that are not a mirror image of self.

In short, for these people: if you are not of the same caste or religion, don't speak the same language, have the same quirks, enjoy the same movies or move in a certain circle, then you don't deserve a chance to be respected or tolerated.

If you are so wound up and lost in your prejudices, how do you get a good night's sleep?

just a job? no! a career, if you don't mind...

if i had a 100 riyal for every time i've been advised this, i would be retiring and going back home for good!
if i actually heeded the advice, i would have far more money than i can care for.

why don't you apply for a job* in Q-Comp-1/2/3...**

*=secretary/pr executive/teaching assistant/school ayah/accounts assistant
(all respectable jobs, if that is what you are qualified to do or want to do)

**=the top Qatari employers that pay obscene amounts as salaries, and compensate by assuring little or no job satisfaction.

there are some who give me this advice out of nothing but goodwill.
i can forgive them.

but there are some over the last 9 years who are pig headed in believing that what i do (after nearly 15 years in this line) is just a job, not a career. most of these are women. housewives who take up temp jobs or women who have no concept of 'careers'.

i asked one of them if she would ask her husband to give up his job as a professional accountant, and take up a job as a sales executive because it pays better. she was offended, yet could not understand why i was uppity about her suggestion to take up a 36-hour a week, teaching assistant job.

why is my claim to a career not taken seriously? i know it's not merely a case of gender bias. a female physician wouldn't be asked to take up a job as a school nurse would she? (or would she?)

it is also the mentality we grow up with -- the only careers worth pursuing are that of a doctor, engineer or chartered accountant.

so if you are a journalist or a teacher or a social worker etc, then you can't really be serious about a career!!!!!!!

and out here, if you have no qualifications to speak of, and no focus in life, then teach. take up the immense responsibility of moulding the young and educating them, because you don't stand a chance in the job market. how pathetic, sad and scary!

i used to get ballistic when people suggested this to me in the past. now i try and explain to them rather patiently why it wouldn't work for me to give up my 'career'. and when i realise that i am talking to someone who is not interested in what i have to say, deafened and blinded by their own reasoning, i just ignore them.

but i seethe inside. just as i'm seething now.

What colour success?

ETA Post Script

This really weird and depressing news item appeared in Outlook last month. Where will we Indians, draw the line? Why are we so obsessed with being fair -- meaning complexion, not just. Firang sperm? Give me a break!!!!!!!!!
If we obsess about the colour of our skin, there are other equally discriminatory, ego-mocking rituals elsewhere in the world.

Here in the Middle East 16 and 17-year-olds undergo invasive procedures to get that almost unnoticeable tilt to their nose, plump up their lips, curve their cheek bones… Who told them that they are not good enough without thicker lips and higher cheek bones?

I am surrounded by looks-obsessed folks out here. I know people who would skip a doc appointment in favour of a beauty parlour session.

How bad can our self esteem get?

Whether we are conscious of it or not, we are bombarded with messages that tell us we are not good enough, as we are.

Have you seen the Garnier wrinkle ad -- where are the wrinkles on the model’s face? Why the hell do we have to worry about something that would be visible only under the most advanced microscope.

Yes, Dove runs real beauty campaign. But it is just a bloody ad gimmick, as the same company produces the mother of all self-esteem crushers Fair & Lovely.

Our hair, our face, our skin, our laugh lines... why is ageing or looking like normal human being seen as such a blight?
I have cousins, otherwise smart and reasonable, who are so hung up about marrying fair women. Why is fair equated with beautiful or even presentable? It's common knowledge that fairer the skin, earlier the ageing!

Now the obsession with skinniness. Different races have different body shapes – a shape determined by nature after zillions of years of research on what would best suit the climate, environment and other conditions of the native region. Why mess with that?
I am not talking about slim vs obese. I am talking about anorexic-thin vs normal bmi.
Yet, even Indian stores stock sizes that would only fit a much smaller build like those from the Far East. Indian women have hips and boobs, and bit more in the middle. That’s why they look drop dead gorgeous in sarees.

If it is not how we look, then it is about what we will become. So bloody well give your child Horlicks, or woe behold he/she may be disinterested in maths and take up arts! What the eff?

What's wrong with dark skin?

What's wrong with child bearing hips?

What's wrong with a little flesh on the booty?

Is it the end of the world if your eyebrows are not quite aligned?

And what the heck is the problem with a bit of fizzy hair now and then?

I am all for grooming oneself well, being presentable and doing what it takes to feel good about self.
But the sad thing is, the more obsessed we get with the way we appear, the more we invest in products and treatment, less happy with ourselves.

When O was born, the first (and last) thing everyone seemed to notice was the colour of her skin. I was ready to throw up my post-natal health food on them… why couldn’t they notice how cheerful she was with visitors? Why couldn’t they notice how amazing genetics is, and she has a mole in the exact same spot on the ear as her dad? Why couldn’t they comment about how healthy she was?


Nopes. Those were not as important as the light skin.

Because R & I are BROWN, and O is a deep beige, people openly wonder how I managed that? What did I eat when I was pregnant? Bleach and Fair & Lovely, pals.

I didn’t realise that this was having an effect on her till a couple of years ago. We were planning on adoption then, and were slowly introducing the subject to her… and O told me she didn’t want a brown baby. That’s when R & I consciously started talking to her about how flippant and unimportant these things were. How could I blame the 5-year-old? She was constantly hearing folks talk about fair equals cute/beautiful. That’s all that she saw on TV, except for the annoying Raven. Fair skin, light hair, make-up. Kids’ channels reinforce these stereotypes too.

I have always been partial towards dark skin. Give me a well-dressed guy with dark skin, a day-old stubble and a smile, I will swoon! I feel light skin only augments all your facial flaws.

Just look at the folks below… can you imagine anyone of them fairer and better looking?



PS: A friend called to ask if I have a problem with 'light skinned' folks. No, I don't. My mum and 2 sisters are 'fair' and gorgeous despite not because of that. I just feel that a majority of us in India are not light skinned, and we shouldn't feel like it is a disadvantage! Does it really matter? And as MG said how boring if we all looked the same. Fair skinned, silky hair, 'perfect' nose or whatever...

Marriage Stereotypes and the ‘Catches’ we make!

I seem to be doing this way too often. Linking other people's post, and expostulating on it. Why don't I just comment there or shut up?
Probably because I’m a journalist, so when I run out of ideas, I rehash other people’s cues.

Anyways, this is to MG's post -- I was splitting up after reading this. How inane is that dry cleaner lady? Silly woman.
About 9-10 years ago, in a situation like that, I would have gotten terribly upset. But now I just find it ridiculously funny.
Why do typecast people in a relationship?

When my relationship with R took a serious turn and we decided to get married (or rather our families decided for us), a friend (yep, a friend hmmpph!) snidely commented to me, "quite a catch, huh?"

I was STUNNED. What shit was that?

We not only had similar educational and professional backgrounds, I in fact had a few extra diplomas thrown in.
She hardly knew R to decide he was a catch in any other way, unless she thought her dumpy, bespectacled friend was marrying a not-so dumpy and un-bespectacled man?

And even if I had been illiterate with no future prospects and looked like the backside of an ass, and he was the heir to the Gates’ fortune and looked like Clooney, how the hell can anyone use that phrase ‘a catch’.

Is marriage a charity? If two people decide to wed, they must have their reasons. Even if it’s an arranged marriage. There is no question of one being a catch over another.

Probably because I am far more secure in my relationship, and am older and wiser (!) I can laugh this off…

Like this conversation between Acquaintance 1 & 2, which a ‘pal’ reported to me not only verbatim, but with her share of insights.

Acq1 (who at that point had met R & me for all of 90mts, half of which was with a group of people): V & R are very different.
Acq 2 (who knows me professionally and has only had a glimpse of R): Oh, yes. They are. He is very nice.
Acq 1: Absolutely. So different. He is very sweet.
Pal to me: How can they jump to conclusions, they hardly know you.

ME to R, my sounding board: What the eff! Whether they jumped to conclusions or not, Pal was sure they did… And what difference does it make to me to get opinions of people I don’t know or care for? Why was this even reported to me?

That’s the whole problem with expectations, marriages or any relationships. The two parties are placed on a balance with their plusses and minuses.

Absolutely no one outside of the two would know the truth of the relationship or the reasons why it works (or doesn’t). So why talk about catches and one being too good for the other?

So whether MG looks or really is romantic, or not, it was really not that stupid dry cleaner’s business. It’s for MG and her husband to know and find out!

it takes all kinds to make this world

and it takes a lot of weirdos to make the expat world.the expat world is a surreal one. everything is transitory... more so than in the real world. and the state of temporariness can unnerve you a great deal.
it’s just not about thinking a million times about buying ‘good’ furniture (and then settling for made in malaysia rubber wood rip offs);
it’s not about going back home every year, year after year, because the company pays annual passage (this is changing, and quite a few opt to travel and see the world);
it's not about the job insecurity -- do we really buy this SUV? what if i lose my job and am stuck with the monster?;
it's not about buying as much property in as many different cities/towns in india, to keep up with the joneses;
it's not about your passbook being your favourite read;
it's not even about choosing to share your apartment here, so that you build a home enviably big enough, to spend you retired and tired life.

the temporaryness is worst when you are trying to build your social circle, when you are trying to make friends.

people are so wary -- what's the point really? you take all that effort and build relationships, and come end of contract, voila! the person moves on.

this is something i can't get used to.
that a lot of friendships here are for convenience, and like much of life otherwise, disposable. use and throw.

in the decade (nearly) i've been here, it never ceases to surprise me, how selfish and ruthless people can be in getting the best out of every encounter.

when you are still naive and new to the expatworld, it's easy to be taken in, and respond rather foolishly to friendly overtures. and then you get taken down hard, when you realise that it's about how useful you are to the person. people are so caught up in the temporariness that surrounds them, they think it's fine to apply the same in relationships.

it may well sound like i'm whining. and maybe i am.

but when you are used to a cushioning of good/great friends, and land in a place that's as dry as a desert (pun unintended) in this context, then you've earned the liberty to crib.

the other thing about this world is the extent of disgruntlement.

everybody seems to be disgruntled -- not merely by their lot in life, but by those who are or seem to be doing better than them.
this again is rather incomprehensible -- how do you ever get peace of mind, if your happiness is dependent on other people's woes?

the expatworld not only turns regular folks into weirdos, it also seems to attract a whole bunch of congenital weirdos.
i find myself displaying certain weirdo symptoms, like being suspicious of a lot of people. fortunately, what i talk about below is not one of the weirdness i have adopted.

there is this one trait i've come across so often here in people, i almost believe it's a gulf syndrome.

people carry tales. so if x (whom you barely know) has unpleasant things to say about you to your 'friend' y, then y will not only give ear and participate, but will report the useless bit of information back to you.
now, how bored or jobless should you be to do something SO pointless?
i am not exaggerating... but this happens so often, and to so many people around me, i am quite convinced the affliction is caused by something in the water.

i've made a couple of great friends here (more about them another day), and it would be a grave injustice to them if i don't mention that there are exceptions to this weirdness.

our past defines us

but should it dominate your future?
we all have a bit of baggage from our past that we carry forward. experiences that define our choices and our actions.
but of late i've been meeting people who have so much excess baggage from their past, they do not give an opportunity for present experiences to influence them.
they are so badly hung up about what had been, that their view is so coloured.
it's scary. how bad could their childhood or adolescence been. or is it just fashionable to have a therapy-worthy past?

corny but true

Age seems so not-important to me.
Birthdays are important. very. but not age.
So much so, when someone asks me how old I am, it takes me a moment or two to recall the number... not because I have such poor memory, because for me age is a 'factor' only for a very few things in life. like:

1. when do you enrol your child in school. I don't believe in forcing baby geniuses into grade 1 at age 4! you need to think hard and long about the minimum age for a child to enter the school system. especially the Indian system.

2. when is it ok to start having sex. even for an adult, the first sexual encounter can turn out to be traumatic or overwhelming. so there is no way a 12 or 14-year-old is ready for it. you need to think about your age... are you quite ready to end your childhood or adolescent for crappy sex?

3. age at which to give birth to a child. you can't be 13. you can't be 50. though both are common. having a child is not about you alone... what role are you going to plan in the child's life?

Barring these 3 situations, age has little or nothing to do with who you are and what you do in life.
My dad studied law when he was 50, and on retiring from a bank, began his practice at 60. At 75 he is busier than most people I know. Age for him is at best a reason to cry off social functions, and at worst an inconvenience due to frailer bones!

Still I hear 40- and 50-year-old folks talking about how old they are! About how they're done with more than half their life.

There are people to whom I dread posing the greeting: "How are you?"
Because, what will follow is a long stream of depressing things...
"I am getting fatter, my back hurts, my boss sucks, my teenager is beyond control, did I mention I am getting fatter?, my husband doesn't understand me, I am getting old, my life is boring..."

Give me a break, unless you are living in Darfur, there must be some joy in your life? There must be something good on TV that made you laugh? A book that got you thinking of the good things in life? A friend who makes you feel good, a dress you bought that you love...

There are people who claim to have so many ailments, they could single-handedly demonstrate Gray's Anatomy!

Here is a tip: When someone says "How are you?", it's a greeting, not an invitation to complain.

My mum at 67 lives the most vibrant life. She has an ischemic heart, high BP and diabetes... but there is never a reason good enough for her to turn down a chance to socialise or travel. There is never a reason for her not to don her best cottons and a dab of max factor powder to go on a jaunt with her siblings. There is never a reason good enough for her to blame her ailments and not enjoy life. Age for her just happens to be. Masha'allah!

And then I have this dear friend. Her husband cheats on her all the time. She has a whole load of hormone-related problems, she can't practice the trade she trained in because of allergies, she has little in terms of savings... but ask her how she is doing, and she always says "Great V! Smashing. The kids and I just returned from the beach/ we are on our way to the park..."

So during those self-indulgent moments when I wish to mope around, or worry about the future, I remind myself of all that is there to see, to experience to enjoy... and that's when the 4th factor about age worries me... how much can I pack into this lifetime?

one upmanship by any other name

why is it so difficult for us to take a relationship as is? to not compare it with another?
you are not happy just being loved by your mother, you want to know how differently she loves you, how much more, did your sister get a bigger/better piece of the cake, are they more proud of your achievements than your siblings'...
but it's not just about vying for your parents' approval or attention. it happens at every stage of life.
is your bum-chum a little too pal-ly with the other friend? are there secrets that you are not privy to? does he/she have more fun with other people than with you?
then at work. it's not enough to be thrilled with your appraisal or bonus, you need to be more thrilled than the next person. your happiness is not necessarily pegged to the nature of your promotion or the hike in your pay, it is also influenced by how much more you've earned than your colleague.
and all those insecurities and fear we transfer to the most important relationship in our life... with our children.
it's not enough if he/she is smart at school, we search for a position, for a reference point... smarter than x, y or z's child? but if you catch on to this early, you would be wise to put a stop to it -- to not weigh down your child with your unrealised ambitions.
it's fortunate that i don't come from a polygamous society (though, i live in one) -- i am the only one he has, so apart from some wishful thinking, there is little else he can do. and i can be complacent in the knowledge that he has only me to come home too...
or am i being naive?

press del

and heave a sigh of relief... when you delete a person from your contacts and block them from chats, do they really cease to exist?
and if this blog vanishes, would my thoughts too?

workplace woes

i keep asking myself why what i earn doesn't determine how or who i am at work.
i have an ego, attitude and contentment totally disproportionate to what i earn...
because i am all about vibes, no amount of money will keep me in a place that gives my soul stress.
my first job in Qatar was at a place where the vibes were not so great... but i worked hours that didn't coincide with the mirth-less ones. i had access to the internet, so could chat away the whole morning. the money wasn't great, neither was the work... in terms of quantity. but i did learn new tricks of the trade.
but no sooner did the atmosphere change, and the general state of unhappiness started interfering with my aura... i scooted.
i can't explain this any better, by myself.
i can take the help of one Ms Rowling though.
the place was like Azkaban. The keepers were the dementors. As soon as they smell a whiff of joie de vivre or sense a smile, they come down hard and give you a kiss... their very presence sucks the joy out of the place.
they thrived on seeing people unhappy... and frankly, if i think too long about that place, i can almost hear the strangled cry of my happiness.
i am away from that atmosphere, thank goodness!
unfortunately, there are people i care for who are still there...
where i am now is like Hogwarts, till Book 5. There is no room for dementors...
that may change; but then, when it does, i won't be around to suffer it. Inshallah!

Bad apples keep turning up

This is what I have realised. Bad relationships always come back to haunt you. You can never really put it behind you and forget. You will learn to probably look at it objectively and will realise that it wasnt really as grave as it felt then, at that moment.
I have worked in three organisations for long stretches of time.
I had one bad work-relationship at the first job. However, there was no venom, just a clash of personalities. If I were to meet him today, I can be cordial with him.
But I havent been lucky at the two after that. At my second workplace there was this absolute bitch -- she had this whole load of personal baggage, and was convinced that no one liked her, and she assumed that was because of how great she was, and how people could not digest that.
Well first of all, most people were indifferent to her, and those who didnt like her, had a good reason to -- and it had nothing to do with her talents either!!!
And those who liked her, did as a favour to her family who were rather likeable.
She continues to haunt me.
And then the ex-boss in this place was a snake -- and his parents had wisely named him so too!!
To add to the woes, he neither had the skills that the bitch could boast off, or the pleasantness that most human beings show at some point in their life.
He haunts me too.
How you may ask? They haunt me because they are petty people. Not because they are evil. They are petty and can't digest another's happiness or success. The first guy -- he was ok. He was ambitious. And as long as he was getting his due, he didnt mind others doing well.
But these two were different. No amount of personal success satisfies them; happiness? They kill it for themselves.
They scare me. My worst nightmare is their ire, that I may have to interact with them again in the future, that destiny has inexplicable plans and their role in my life may not be completely finished. They scare me.

In Need In Deed!!

Ever realised that the friends you stand up or stand in for, rarely reciprocate? And those you least expect atually help?
Living away from home has taught me a lot. Especially an expatriate dominated community like here.
I have learnt that the more you help, and the more you accommodate, the more you are made use of, taken for granted. And the same people will go out of their way not to help you.
While I have realised this, I still have not learnt to be unaffected. I havent learned to to say no. I end up being rude and sweating the small stuff, but ignore the bigger problem.
It depresses me that I should bring up my daughter in this atmosphere.

Why Blog

Why am I blogging? I tried briefly once before. And I stopped. I write for a living. I also write to collect my thoughts. A personal diary. I have been doing the first for 10 and the second for 15 years. And then to blog: to sieve my personal thoughts that will go to the grave with me, from those that I can share with the world with little or no embarassment... A tough task. Kudos to those who do it with ease, and those who don't care for the distinction.

So why did I start blogging now? Because I just had to. I realised that there were so many thoughts going through my mind, which I wish to share, but can't during the course of my work.

Today I realised, what a wealth of experience i was missing out on, since I stopped using taxis regularly. Today I also realised how lucky I am for the same reason.

I was waiting outside Sheraton at about 11.45am. I waited for a good 30 minutes, and finally two Filipinas offered to drop me at City Center in their cab. Thank you ladies.

But it was a typical Doha Day -- so no taxis there again. And a long Q too.

Once again a Filipina to the rescue. She was getting off a cab, and put my bags into the cab before getting off, defying a Q jumper. I thought I would pass it forward, the good deeds, and offered the jumper a ride midway, where he can hail another cab.

And then the nightmare begins. The second passenger begins abusing the cabbie for refusing to take him to Old Airport area. The argument turned violent, and the obviously hungry and rather frustrated passenger threw one at the driver, the taxi swerved, and the cabbie lost his temper, and drove us both to the police station, insisting that I be part of this whole fiasco, as I initiated it. He not so politely told me that I should have let sleeping dogs lie, and nasty assholes wait!!

The 'chivalrous' cops asked the cabbie to take me hope and asked the asshole to take a hike.

And I learnt a few things about helping people... next time only Filipinas